As expected...

I have wasted my saliva. Talking to my mother just proved that she indeed doesn't understand me.

She doesn't understand that her son doesn't work well under pressure.

She doesn't understand that her son is different from other people in what he likes.

She doesn't understand that her son is someone who doesn't like being forced.

She doesn't understand that her son, on being forced, likes to do the opposite of what is told to him.

She doesn't understand that her son thinks that there is no point in going to school.

She doesn't understand that her son has no aspirations.

I told my mother, ''I have no desire to go to the university.''

Big fuss.

''How can you say that?! That should be your dream! Your responsibility!''

Selfish! How can that be my dream if i have no desire to do that? How is that my responsibility when she's the one who pressured me into going to the university?!

Shortly after that, i asked her, why was i born then? Why did she give birth to me?

She smiled and tried to avoid the question, saying its a natural thing.

Pfft. She doesn't understand. She thought i was asking about sex education. What i want was to hear the purpose of my life. What was she thinking when she decided to give birth to me. Was her answer a selfish one? Or was it because she loved her own flesh?

She then continued, ''How can you give up?! This is your golden opportunity! Your only job now is to study!''

She doesn't understand. I wasn't giving up, and i repeatedly told her that. Having no desire to go to the university IS NOT the same as quitting school. Hahaha. How wonderful is school. I have no back road anyway. Once i quit i have no other skills that would help me live. So much for education. They force you to go through a grueling 10 (+2) years of it. Then you realize, if you quit, you have nothing. There is only one path to go.

Yet, why doesn't anybody understand that simple logic that what they teach at school is useless to helping us survive? Why doesn't my mother understand?

The conclusion was that my mother is an idiot.

I shouldn't have said anything to her in the first place. Now she is doing exactly everything that will make my life miserable and fail.

Pressure.

Forcing her own dreams on me.

Telling me what to do even when i have no desire to do so.

...

What's the use of such a life? The system made by humans can't be changed by humans, even when everybody realizes its uselessness. ...  Everybody? Or is it just youths? The adults are useless. Once presented by a bigger power like the government, they become cowardly. They have no desire to protest. They have no desire to improve.  ''Just follow the flow. Do what everybody else does.'' Thats what all adults do. Even when they have the power... The rich and powerful are like this as well. Just because they are already settled, they don't give a hoot. With the system being given to them, they abuse it and turn it into what is convenient for them. ''Just follow the flow. Do what everybody else does.'' Thats why the current system doesn't improve.

What i fear now is that i would grow up to be such useless adults. Or that i am the only one having such thoughts. What if even my friends doesn't understand this? Haiz... I can only blame the education system for being successful then, if i ever become such an adult. If they successfully turn everybody into having such thoughts. Not having aspiration. Just doing what everybody else does.

I want to fight the system. But what power do i have? Everybody, even i, think like this. ...but what can i do to persuade them? By destroying the government? Becoming a terrorist? Becoming the president? Going by the flow then changing it from within will never work. I will just be swallowed by the system. Even if i become the most powerful man in the political system, this will never work out well. If there is any God or Devil here, i don't mind giving my soul away if i can obtain power. This life is useless as it is, just going by the flow, anyway.